It’s about chubby faeries.
It’s about ignorance.
It’s about super-fast neutrinos.
It’s about a glass of Chilean white.
The finer things in life.
This is not a haiku September 27, 2011
Kerala..la la la la September 26, 2011
Everybody wants to go to Kerala.
And why not.
It’s pimped as God’s own country. I mean, there’s no topping that, now is there?
So, sure, even I wanted to go to Kerala. But it was always something that I figured I’d do later. Like ballroom dancing. It was a ‘next year’ kinda deal.
But then there’s Steve. Who’s my polar opposite. He doesn’t understand procrastination. And I can’t spell it, but thats another thing.
So, he had a Monday off and he said ‘let’s go to Kerala. Let’s just do this.’ Which meant that it was going to be a very short trip, but we’d be in Kerala. And that’s all that mattered.
And the best way to actually take two days off from Bombay was to sail off on a boat somewhere quiet, preferably Alleppey.
Backwaters, houseboat, unbelievable food….. The only thought in my mind was that we might never come back.
We booked our tickets on this budget airline (which I have sworn off forever) & through the lovely world of the internetz, researched our houseboat situation. They had various sorts & the spice boat (which seemed like the best option) would have been wonderful except that it is mostly open & we were smack in the middle of the monsoon, so figured we’d have to look at something a little more covered up. And we settled for this luxury but not uber luxury boat which would have a crew of 4, one chef (most important), one captain ( in my mind I kept thinking his name should be Haddock), two other guys who didn’t do much. One of them spoke a fusion of malayali & English and didn’t understand why we looked so foxed most of the time & kept saying yes to everything he said. And yes. It was a fairly large boat.
So the day came for us to leave for our mini holiday & both of us were super excited. But then we boarded the plane. And we realised we were surrounded by animals. Who liked to eat chips and shout loudly at each other. Two hours of this later we were in Cochin! Cochin, beautiful Cochin. Green lush beauty all around, swaying palm trees & clean air. we had a two hour drive to Alleppey where our houseboat was waiting for us & those two hours we killed by discussing why we live Bombay & what a waste of life it is (usual initial holiday conversation) and before we knew it we were in Alleppey! Woohoo. Our houseboat was sitting pretty right in front of us. We met the crew, the aforementioned gentlemen, who gave us wide grins as greeting. And in under ten minutes we heard a soft hum kickstart the engine and we were off!
I’ve always felt our country has every form of topography to put any continent to shame and the beauty that we see outside of cities is absolutely breathtaking. The the backwaters of Alleppey proved me right. Serene, smooth, seamless calm spread out in front of me. Gentle water, soft wind & lovely cloud-sprinkled skies. They were right, this was Gods own country.
But then came nightfall. Around 7pm, dusk seemed to have settled in alright and the boat was anchored for the night. We figured that since there was not much to do maybe we could watch a film, get some dinner and crash early. So, out came the laptop and one other dim light behind us, and after about ten minutes of ‘not this film, not this film, ok this film, no no, not this one’, a film was decided on. So now it was the two of us and the entire cast of Arachnophobia watching the film. Only thing was we thought we were alone. Till something went ‘bzzzz’ and then ‘gzzzzk’ then ‘rustle rustle’ then ‘ksbdisuzgdvsihvd’. In about 15 minutes and an equal number of screams later we’d figured that we didn’t want to watch a film in any case. We wanted to sleep, dinner less in a dark room, that’s how many insects there were.
So, we did just that. Ok I’m lying. We ate some dinner, but whenever something went crunch, neither of us looked at the other person. In some countries grasshoppers are a delicacy.
Next morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed (what does this term even mean?) we woke up to some more serene, picture postcard beauty and a hot cup of tea. Stellar. The many language speaking guy told us that today we would get an authentic Kerala massage and see a 2500 year old church. I wanted to tell him that that wasn’t possible because, well, you know, Christ wasn’t born then but it might have broken his heart so I just said “Oh wow!”.
First up, Church, and I must say, it was stunning. On the banks of the backwaters, in a quaint little village stood this majestic 1600 year old Church (I checked the date on a board). We walked around, it was nice and sunny, the boatmen met their friends and then we went back to sailing.
About an hour later we docked again and were told that we could get our massages here. This was exciting because we were so tired of sightseeing and needed to relax a little more to slip into a coma. I met Shakuntala who was going to be my masseuse/violater. 20 minutes of absolute awkwardness and discomfort later, I figured I needed to enjoy this at some point, so I relaxed a little bit. Let me assure you, a Kerala massage is a force to reckon with. There is oil, LOTS of oil and for the most part, it’s a little creepy but after a while it can be ….. Relaxing. It was my Steve’s first time getting said massage and he came back looking a little frazzled and avoided eye contact for sometime. I can assure you that this is how most of you first timers will feel.
The rest of the day was pretty phenomenal. We had a great lunch, read a lot, chatted up with the crew. What either party said is still a mystery but it was interesting. I remember trying to breathe in lungfuls of that air and just staring out a lot. Before we knew it, it was evening and because we are really smart we ran into our rooms at around 6:45 pm and locked ourselves in. Us-1 : Bugs-0
And just like that our getaway was over and we were in a car headed back to Cochin airport. Possibly the two most brilliant days I’ve had in a very long time ….. Would I do it over again? Hell yes. Bugs & slithery massage included.
15th September 1983 September 14, 2011
It’s Dhruv’s birthday tomorrow.
I remember seeing him on his first day on earth. He was so tiny and pink.
I didn’t know then that he and I were going to be best friends.
Growing up, we were quite different. I used to be the least demanding kid on the block and Dhruv wanted everything big and garish and shiny. He bunked school with Shawn when he was in class 2. Shawn was in class 12. I never bunked school. …. Ever.
I guess we’ve always been polar opposites. Even though the poles have switched places.
I now make my ‘I deserve this for my birthday’ list in June. My birthday falls in January whereas Dhruv never wants anything.
I’m writing this, because I was driving back home today and he and I were discussing what we should do tomorrow. Lunch, dinner? Movie? Lonavla? And when I hung up, I realised that my kid brother was going to be 28. That’s a big deal. Because he’s actually only 4. Here’s some dope on him.
No one makes me laugh harder than Dhruv trying to prove a point.
Like today -
Dhruv – “So maybe after lunch we can go for coffee to Le Pain Quotient”
Juhi – “Quotidien, you gavaar.”
Dhruv – “Quotidien. It’s French. I’m not gavaar.”
Juhi – “Yes you are.”
Dhruv – “Would you call a French a gavaar if he mispronounced ‘Bademiya’?”
Juhi – “aaahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha.”
Dhruv – “Elitist fake Indian is what you are.”
And serve!
Earlier, before he got verbose, things used to be a bit different.
We used to settle things with violence.
I don’t remember the argument, but I remember punching him real hard and I was holding him by his hair when he stabbed me with a compass on my thigh. And then we heard the usual from downstairs – “JUHI DHRUV, ENOUGH! GET BACK IN YOUR ROOMS. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE MY CHILDREN!!!” The mother had heard our war cries.
We’ve always been a team of horrors. I remember once in Assam, there was a road being built in front of our house and Dhruv made a ball of the semi solid coal tar and put it in his pocket. That eventually solidified and formed a road in his jeans. And for some strange reason we thought that our mother might kill us if she found out. So we got some kerosene and burnt the jeans in our kitchen garden. I felt so grown up to have master minded this operation. And Dhruv was my slave for a few weeks.
And then of course was the regular stuff. Failing in class, trying to thug our parents, being caught and putting the blame on the other sibling, not talking for whatever reason for months (in Dhruv’s case this lasted quite a while. He was 16 or 17 when he realised we were beneath him and was monosyllabic for a year), slyly taking the car out at night, crashing it, lying constantly….
And then, we grew up. Got jobs. Became adults.
But only to the world.
I can channel my core idiot around Dhruv. And he can do the same around me. And that’s what makes this big bad world seem absolutely ok.
He’s always got my back and has always given me the most sane advice and kept me in check every time I faltered. He’s the funniest person I know and answers all my ‘I’m going out tonight, how do I look?’ questions with ‘like an asshole.’
He only gives me a 100 bucks on rakshabandhan, but will endure a 16hour bus ride just to come see me on that day for a few hours. He has the wisdom of a zen master and the immaturity of a kitten. And he has the most gentle soul ever.
That early morning on the 15th of September 1983 changed my life.
Here’s looking at you, kid. Happy Birthday!
Borough Market and Jelly Knees September 13, 2011
That would sum up my last month. Let me elaborate…
I decided to take a short break and head to London. Two of my favourite people now live there and they decided to leave their thesis’ (thesisii?) aside and hang out with me. Which was kinda spectacular.
Now here’s a little tip for anyone heading to London ever. You should know Meghna & Mike. Because if you don’t, your trip might suck. Megs always has a plan and is a GREAT cook (and an even better host) and Mike lives in the best part of London and has the amazing ability to whip up a meal even after we’ve been face down on the floor with our ears ringing. So anyway, in a nutshell, I had the best time ever, the weather was great, saw some super exhibits, went to borough Market and ate for 6 people, bought the worlds smallest kite (what?) and generally bummed around. Soon I found myself on a flight back to Bombay, unable to sleep and freaking out. Why? See, here’s what actually happened, before I took off on my little holiday, I’d got a call to do a play and because I am a poor judge of my abilities and have an inflated sense of self, I remember saying ‘Why don’t you mail me the script and by the time I come back, I’ll have gotten all my lines right.’
WHO SAYS THAT?!?!?!!?
So obviously I was in need of some Xanax and didn’t sleep a wink. Landed back in the bay and got into rehearsal immediately. We had a fortnight before going on stage and even though I put my brave face on, no one has any idea how much I suddenly started to believe in God. I’ve only done one play, so this was a biggie for me. But also I feel that I have more stage fright than anyone else. And if ever there was a competition on ‘Lets see who gets an aneurism first because of stage fright’ , I’d win. Hands down.
A few hours before going on stage I had all these existential issues such as ‘There is no need to do this to myself. I have a job, I am happy’ or ‘Remember 1989, when I wasn’t taken for Pied Piper…. or even a rat in the school play? Maybe they had a point’ or ‘This hardly matters, if I leave right now, it’s cool. It’s just a play. We’re not launching a rocket’ or ‘I should have taken a bank job’ or ‘I really need to hurl’
The play went well, but I wish you could have seen my face just before going on stage…..
that would have been worth a lot of money 
